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Mar. 16th, 2014

Dear world,

I am tired. Please stop.



Wound so tight lately that any amount of stress threatens to break my mind apart in an explosion... kind of like that game called Concentration.

...I hated that game.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.


Getting closer to Christmas, and I'm having more hits of extreme emotions. Stress from a lack of people that will be in my house, but excitement of seeing family and also spending Christmas afternoon with someone very special to me. Panic attacks from memories of Christmases past and all the pain I've had around this holiday.

This year has been so tumultuous. I keep thinking the next year will be better, and crazier things just keep happening.

This year will be different, dammit.

I'd like to wish for a boring, non-eventful year, but I know that would be too boring for me.

Let's make it exciting in a good way.

Come and get me, Christmas. I dare you.

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Flashes of unreality

So I'm sitting here in my living room, watching some more Buffy (as I have never watched the series before). I get hungry and I get up off of MY couch and walk into MY kitchen and pull milk out of MY refrigerator and put that with cereal in to MY bowl. All of a sudden nothing feels real anymore.

I don't know how to describe it, but I have these moments of being disconnected from the world, where it's as if I am watching a giant movie screen of my life in first person mode. Andrea is still here, but I am not. I usually try to push these thoughts out of my head, as they usually lead to pretty massive panic attacks. I decided to let this one stay for a while and not fight it. I've been learning to let my emotions and thoughts come as they are, and study them. Discover what brings them to the surface... not to judge them, but understand them.

So I'm standing in my kitchen, staring at my milk carton thinking about all of this, and this warm feeling begins to spread from the center of my chest.

This IS my home.

These ARE my things that fill MY home.

I am living this life because of what I have done.

I am not judging myself, but understanding myself.

It is ok to hurt.

By understanding myself, I can learn what I need to do to make my life better.

... It's still a bit confusing, but getting back into letting my mind float freely without any fear as to what I'll come across will take more time.

On another note: Finally sold my wedding ring. It sat in a bag for nearly 4 years doing nothing but making me think about it. I took it to a shop, sold it for a good chunk of cash, and took myself and Ron out to dinner.  I know I should have put it towards bills and whatnot, but it felt like something I needed to do. I was also able to go through some belongings and throw away a full garbage bag full of stuff I no longer needed. None of it was worth donating, and I was confused as to why I felt the need to hold onto these things.

Maybe I'm finally starting to let go?

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Trying not to panic...

I am very good at spending money.

I am not good at keeping or saving any of it.

I have no funds at all until next Wednesday, and I have only bought one Christmas present thus far.

My bank account is hemorrhaging and all I can do right now is field collection calls and try not to vomit from the stress.

I was good at keeping up on bills when I was with Purple, and I was in charge of every single one that came in the house. I think the only reason I stayed on top of them was out of fear from his anger.

Now that the fear is no longer there, I'm lapsing and letting myself drown. All I'm doing about it is beating myself up constantly about it and aggravating my TMJ.

I'm an adult, I should be able to sit down and balance a checkbook, but am so damn scared of not having enough money that I don't bother to look. It bites my ass every time.

And apparently this is a lesson I still have yet to learn.

I want to be financially stable and be able to own my home, but I don't know how to do that without someone guiding me and not letting my pride and embarrassment take over.

Just.... Fuck.

Running ragged

These kittens are insane! They jump all over everything, try to eat any small object, and treat me like a jungle gym...

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Don't get me wrong, the pangs of loneliness still hit as there isn't another human body that is important to me under the same roof. I am just kept too busy watching these little purrballs bounce around, and how they follow me into every room, and cry when I go upstairs because they are afraid to face the scary bunny-monster.

They make me happy, they help me feel whole again.

I'm surprised as to how lonely it feels, but how free at the same time, unsure if giving up that freedom or keeping it and staying alone is worth it.

I still feel disconnected and lost from the world, but I have two little ones that need me to keep an eye on them and call them little shits from time to time.

Hoping that will be enough of a dist90ra33332222222222 ction.



God I love these lil' fuckers.

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I came home with two new babies today!

Internet: Meet Nikola and Tessa!

Nikola is a lilac point siamese with crossed blue eyes.

Tessa is a Tabby/Tortie mix with beautiful brown eyes.

They are a handful!

I almost didn't pick Nikola. I was holding a snowshoe I was falling in love with when I felt claws coming up my back and onto my shoulder. He was then butting his head against mine and purring like crazy. I was chosen and I couldn't say no.

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Still having rolling panic attacks.

Got really bad at work and I had to wear my jacket, scarf, and gloves, AND I was still shivering cold. Got told by my boss' boss to go home early and get some rest.

Lots of other stuff, but it's all a mess of irrational emotions that make no sense whatsoever. I'm going to have to sit down and pick this issue apart piece by piece to come to an understanding.

Also went and looked at some kitties today. I think having something interactive living in my house with me will help. Will also provide a good distraction from the emptiness I feel near constantly. A local lady rescues nothing but kittens and she just got in some siamese and snowshoe kitties. Planning on coming home with two tomorrow afternoon so that they can keep each other company while I am at work.

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Still finding songs to describe how I feel and how I want to feel. Here is today's:

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